on July 9th, 2011 at 2:36:34 PM
Awesome indeed and great news comrades. Roland Emmerich has once again delivered the goods.
Now, before we peruse one of our favorite director's latest film, let's take a long look at some of his other cinematic masterpieces.
We'll start with Universal Soldier, the film wherein very dead Vietnam soldiers are believably reanimated into mindless killing machines. Film highlights include a very naked Van Damme uttering deadpan sexual innuendo (alaways a blast for the ladies!), Dolph Lundgren pretending he can act, and on-screen parents that easily accept that not only is their long dead son not really dead, he actually hasn't aged a minute since they last saw him. That and the ensuing farm-shattering battle with a blond Goliath. Awesome sh*t boys and girls.
Moving on the next film in the career of our illustrious braggadocio helmer of hits, we have Star Gate, a film sarring a very Laconic and perpetually contipated Kurt Russell, a man trained tokill but too afraid to kill himself, sent on a mission through a toilet bowl into a world that looks surprisingly like Egypt, full of very lost and animated Jews. Film highlights include an exploding flying pyramid, sans Ryan Dunn, a Batman sound-alike alien, a romantic allusions between a human and an alien that's actually really somehow just a human, how, along with all her compatriots, have somehow survived for thousands of years in a place full of nothing but desert. No water, no crops, no Starbucks, just lots and lots of sand. And sun. A lot like California, just without the *ssholes.
Now we next arrive at Independence Day, where set pieces refuse to do much until they explode repeatedly, in multiple dimensions. In this piping hot hit, we have an vaporizing White House, because aliens would choose a wooden and brick house from the 18th century as their combustive focal point, an exloding Los Angeles skyscraper that looks supsiciously like a white man's d*ck, if white men actually had big d*cks, and lots of other sh*t goes boom. In fact, everything goes boom. Boom. Film highlights include a genius Jew who manages to build a viris on a cheap Mac that can miraculous interact with computer hardware from the stars (those pesky Jews, even the aliens hate them) and an ignorant wise-cracking Negro, errr, I mean black dude. Yep, no offensive stereotypes there. Other highlights include aliens that use Data for speech communication, because they haven't invented the iPhone yet, a President who looks more like he should be flipping low-rent housing, and some annoying chick and her dog. Even more highlights include convicted squatter Randy Quaid flying a plane up an alien ship's urethra, and aforementioned spaceships, weighing slightly more than five Oprahs, somehow defying physics by hovering silently over cities, expending enormous energy to not use their mass to obliterate said cities, causing destruction with apparently much cheaper particle weapons instead. Brilliant. Just f*cking brillaint. I salute the Nobel Prize physicist who wrote that script.
Moving on, we have the American remake of Godzilla, because Americans love films remade from the people we bombed back into the stone age, films replete with rubber suits full of little men smashing cardboard buildings. In this film, Matthew Broderick known only for his early 80s films like WarGames and Ferris Bueller, in which he plays someone we can just barely stand, plays someone in this film we can't stand at all, or we try to because we're nice people who were stupid enough to have bought a ticket to this turd, but regardless Broderick fails because he just sucks. Film highlights include lots and lots of sh*t I don't remember because there's nothing worth burdening a neuron, but notes of interest include nuclear explosions that don't kill things but instead somehow mutate them into creatures so large they would structurally collapse if real, and die an agonizing death from immediate starvation if also real. Because that's how natural selection works. Throw in a bunch of radiation and you get Rosie O'Donnell's Jurassic Park lovechild romping and stomping throughout the first place the green menace would end up: a city where it can play with all the pretty buildings. Naturally. Other highlights include the wasting of the man who was Leon The Professional, because he deserves to die an ignominous meatphorical death in a Roland Emmerich sandtrap of a film, and a dinosaur that even though it was created in the Pacific, somehow makes it's way down and past South America, all the way up the East Coast to New York. I guess even Godzilla hates Californians. Neverrmind that iguanas, mutated or not, can't breath under water, and Godzilla's too heavy to f*cking float, so who cares about common sense, Godzilla just wants to see the Mets play. Pfftt.
Next in Emmerich's long line of work is The Patriot, which somehow may be the man's magnum opus. Highlights include that guy who wishes we'd all get raped by a pack of n*ggers, and The Joker, who somehow died twice. Other notes of interest include more historical inaccuracies than if the Nazis had won World War II and written a 'History of the Jews', and lots of gun smoke and pandering to very happy black folks who just seemed to forget all about that little issue of slavery. No big f*cking deal, right?
Eh. I'm getting ill.
Net up, The Day After Tomorrow, because the Day After Today, aka Tomorrow just didn't sound stupid enough. In this wonderful ode to our great overlord and benefactor, Al Gore, sh*t freezes. It freezes fast. It freezes faster than a siberian mamoth dining on buttercups. Apparently in this film, the earth gets drunk, falls down and get's felt up by other drink strangers. It's the Keysha of our solar system. Film highlights include the miraculous flash freezing of most of the northern hemisphere, sending Americans to Mexico in screaming hordes, a reversal of current reality, in search of diarrhea and rat-meat tacos. Not necessarily in that order. Other film highlights include that guy from Donnie Darko who kept getting hit by plane engines painted by Jigsaw, that MILF chick from The Fugitive who kept getting hit by small blunt objects wielded by a one-armed Frankenstein, and Dennis Quaid, who got the worst of the deal: he 'starred' in GI Joe: Rise of Nothing You'll Ever f*cking Want To See More Than Once. Other objects of interest include a gigantic tsunami, caused not by an earthquake as you might intelligently expect, but the shearing off of a massive chunk of ice, even though ice floats. Other groin kicks to science include a tumbling space station, hailstones made of glass, multiple tornadoes over LA destroying the entire porn industry, helicopters that can fly hundred of miles without refueling or allowing the pilot to piss, and the freezing of buildings faster than the speed of sound. Badass. And who says Americans suck at science? Ah, but you say Emmerich is German, so he should know better. Yes, true, but he went to the Auschwitz school of filmaking where common sense goes up in smoke.
On to 10,000 BC, a date and title he just pulled from his ass. Now, I would say something about the cast, but there's no one here anyone knows. Not even SAG. These people were just pulled off extras casting from other films and asked if they wanted to pose in front of a green screen for Abercrombie and Fitch's Conan the Barbarian line of swimwear, and they said maybe. One of them, Camille Belle, starred, or I should say appeared reluctantly, in a film titled Crumbscrubber or Sc*msucker, not that the title matters to anyone living or dead. Film highlights include mastadons in Mesopotamia, nearly naked people in snowy climates, movement from one climate extreme to the other in a few feet or a few minutes, whichever comes first, and without either the need to sh*t or adjust their minimal clothes. We can only guess they took a bus. Animals that went extinct a million years before make cameos, and yet Jesus Christ does not. Also included in this travesty of remedial geography are galloping mastadons, because horses are just too damned boring, and North American chile peppers, because FedEx did overnight back then.
Finally, and thank the god of Snickers, we come to 2012, wherein the producers decide to save money by using less numbers in the title this time. Casting includes a drooping and rumpled John Cusack who, like in his real-life career, just can't get his sh*t together, some black guy that was put in there to make all the black people go, 'ah look, there's one of us', and Thandie Newton, who doesn't count. Period. Ever. Because we can't forgive her for Mission Impossible 2. Also included is the human vegetable Jew-look-a-like Oliver Platt, who has been in lots of movies, not that anyone can recall his role, which usually amounts to a casting credit as 'that fat annoying lickspittle'. Film highlights building several of Captain Nemo's Nautilus ships in China, an apparent and tacky commentary on today's world of sweatshop (aka WalMart) manufacturing, and the fact that even the Chinese don't give a sh*t the world's ending as long as they can float something more than their currency. Also, we didn't include them on the ships, so there, f*ck off Commies. Other film highlights include the rape of geology, instead of Nanking, by depicting the earth's crust somehow falling in on itself. What happened to what was under the crust, no one knows, but apparently someone ate it. Someone fat. Someone American. Other nonsense includes planes flying over enormous sucking action, not limited to just the plot, but the aforementioned falling crust, even though the air would obviously get pulled in at rates approaching that of sound. Other sh*t worth mentioning, a stock car radio that can pick up streaming internet audio, a car trip that goes from LA to Yellowstone in mere hours even though the two are a thusand miles apart, 'JFK's revenge', ala the aircraft carrier named John F. Kennedy slamming into the White House, because we get it, Roland Emerich really hates our government, and Africa rising, because if the entire crust imploded, Africa, the least desirable place to live on the globe, outside the ocean floor bottom, would not only not sink, it would f*cking rise, at the expense of the rest of the big bad world. Because shamelessly pandering to black people isn't insulting. Shame on you for not living there. And shame on us for not heeding Noah's call to take two of all thing s and load them on some ships to survive falling crust. Because water wouldn't react to imploding continents. Nope, not at all.
And that's it. f*cking bullsh*t films.